...fallen feathers...

8:36pm: Looking over my shoulder
as if I am in a different time in my life. shielding my eyes against the summer sun.
it's warmth washing over my shoulders.
wind blowing sweet. filled with the scent of summer grasses.
yet all I can think of is summer nights. wind blowing in from the window.
lights down low. head cradled on chest. fingers entwined.
windows left carefully open in waiting. chair below to aide in the sneaking.
hiding from all but ourselves. thick as honey. thick as thieves.
your hand holding mine tightly.
our sweat the smell of summer.

here I am.
years later.
the summer sun is just as bright.
looking at these same mountains.
looking over the same green fields.
in a place I know is yours.
these days.
I can feel you here.
hands never quite touching.
looking over my shoulder.
just out of view.
hunted or haunted?

6:06pm: Is it bad when I bound out of work like a spring gazelle and scream out the words "FUCK YEA BITCHES!!!!!!!!!"

8:31pm: Onyxia!!!!!!!!!!
Here she is.. Onyxia!









I think she was using tail swipe in the last picture. Either that or she was displeased with the quality of someone's dancemat.

1:29pm: So new joy is gracing my life. Thursday I will be bringing home a new little bundle of happiness. I have decided to adopt a kitten. She is about the size of my hand right now, black with darker black tabby marking and pale blue/green eyes. The only trouble is I dont know what to name this little darling. Any suggestions? Also pictures will be posted as soon as possible.

11:37pm: and you know what? even after all this time. I miss you. If only I could get up the courage to pick up the phone and call you.

11:44am: a bit late but none the less wishing everyone a happy and healthy yule. a merry christmas. and a delightful new years eve. even though i dont a chance to talk to all of you my thoughts are with you. i know it's a bit early but i was wondering what everyone's new years' resolutions are...?

9:44am:

Dear Santa... Dear Santa, This year I've been busy! In April I put money in jakuren's expired parking meter (14 points). In November burntwaffle and I robbed a bank (-50 points). In June I got in line at the supermarket at the same time as someone else and I didn't yield (-8 points). Last Sunday I signed my organ donor card (28 points). Last Monday I farted in an elevator (-6 points). Overall, I've been naughty (-22 points). For Christmas I deserve a spanking! Sincerely, blackwingedone

Write your letter to Santa! Enter your LJ username:

9:53am: found in a friends journal and i thought it might be something interesting to do

5 annoying habits that you have

1 i cant stand sleeping with the tv or even my computer on. i get distracted with the noise and lights. i swear it's the add

2 when i really should pull people closer because i need someone's help i pull away and become cold. i really should work on that.

3 i dont like having people over at my house. i cant really explain why i'm just not comfortable with most people being over.

4 i eat constantly. like every couple hours. most people dont eat that much and it takes time from what they want to do so that i can eat.

5 i tend to ignore everyone while i'm doing something, such as play videogames, i wont answer my phone or instant messanger or anything i just want to play them.

there you go, if you can think of any better annoying habits i have please let me know.

8:48pm: i wish for once that someone, if only for that moment, cared enough to take initiative. that someone would hold me and tell me everything will be alright without me having to ask them to.

7:57pm: when do you ask if the time is passed? when is it time to give up the dream?

10:49pm: dont know if i will get anything on here. but i am currently looking for things to draw. if anyone has any requests i would apperciate them.

1:37pm: almost from a different life
i find myself questioning things recently. should i allow people back into my life who have just randomly shown up on my doorstep? they never left on bad terms but it is still a confused return. are things from before still here? things that never actually came to light. yet others returned and things have changed. and not in a way i enjoy. things that are not mine ask for my hand. is it safe to reach out without being dragged in? everytime in that moment i hesitate. and pull away. unable to make the jump. to show my hand. to drop all my defenses. Will you leave like you did before, or stay for awhile?

1:19am: wounds long unhealed. skin over them holding in the rot and decay. holding it all inside. fear of breaking the skin. of what's inside. tonight i'll tear these wounds apart. i'll let them bleed. bleed freely until everything is gone. they say scars are a story that never leaves you. tonight i'll write a new chapter. a different ending. feelings long kept supressed will run free. Blood will flow.

11:17pm: nice dream
a change of settings and yet i still look over my shoulder. laying there in the darkness mind passing over events of the day and still it turns to you. am i still your little secret? the one you wanted everyone to meet. the one you wanted all to yourself. it was so nice to have a place where i felt like i was floating. like maybe everything was too good to be real. a level of peace that even fights couldn't touch. when i closed my eyes and took a deep breath and felt my lungs could fill up. Do you miss me?

11:05am: sometimes the pain is the only part that feels real
your heart is not open so i must go. the sky has been broken i loved you so. freedom comes when you learn to let go. creation comes when you learn to say no. you were my lesson i had to learn. i was your fortress you had to burn. sound the warning that something's wrong. i pray to god that it wont be long. i want to go higher. there's nothing left to try. theres no place left to hide. there's nothing left to lose. there's no more heart to bruise. there's no greater power than the power of goodbye. learn to say goodbye. i yearn to say goodbye.

9:39pm: waking to the taste of blood
i awake and find myself in a dark wood. my once nimble fingers and lips changed to muzzle and paws. rust orange fading to black. i look around me to nothing familar. the smell of my kin, gone. familar landmarks, gone. there is nothing to hold to. not so distant i hear the call of wolf. answered back by others of the pack. i crouch low and flatten my ears. it is not safe here. my nose raised to the breeze trying to catch a smell of anything familar. nothing. i am alone. listening to the call of wolves echo back and forth from walls of stone i realize. i am trapped. my mind races. is there anywhere safe to go? i take off running. keening for my den, my kin, my home. somewhere i can be safe. the wolves are getting closer. they must smell me now. All that is left is to run.

10:43am: paper screens with painted leaves
it rained for many days. like the weather was releasing the tears that i do not allow myself. held back behind these walls. like a geisha hiding behind paper screens. i have learned to hide my tears. restrain them for moments when i can be alone. moments where they will not add to the situation around me. in public i must be that geisha. almost a symbol of strength in the fragility. a mask worn for others to believe in. a mask worn to allow others to ease their pain. their passions. a trusted confidant to tell their worries to. never thinking the confidant has their own life. their worries. their fears. the mask protects that. painted on it gives a sense. that i am a doll. to be used for your own purposes. to own. to control. i grow tired of having to wear this mask. i want to retreat to my paper walled world. where i will never use someone as i am used. I can just hide my eyes, and cry.

1:12am: i want to get closer to your ideals
it's funny sometimes what i will lay in bed and turn over in my head. very rarely does it cause me so much thought to the point i will turn on my computer. tonight was one of those rare nights. it's funny the comparisons that we make in the dark. things that we wouldnt let ourselves think of while we are awake. thoughts that we know better than to let ourselves believe. insecurities that we hide deep enough to forget about. most of the time. comparing ourselves to people we know we will never meet. or we hope not to. people who are no more than ghosts in our lives. haunting a place they have never been. long gone now and yet my thoughts linger. why does doing the right thing, the caring thing make me the weak one, the undeserving one? When will I be free of these nights where I always feel like second best?

1:23am: smeared black ink
i find myself sitting at the curb outside your house. unwilling to leave yet unable to come in. i feel as if the large white tag that i have worn on my chest marking me as visitor is gone. no longer welcome in a world of your making. everything is so out place. i dont even know what i could say. things i begged against i now close my eyes and accept. I wish I knew which way to turn.

7:26pm: the smell of cold
no moon in the sky. taking the long way home tonight. not yet ready to face the lights that will be on. so i continue to hide myself in this darkness. roads nowhere. no streetlights to guide me home. for sometimes i really feel like i am nowhere. and these nights where i want to disappear. off the side of the road are growing. were these days ever different? i cant seem to remember anymore. if it was a dream. i dont think things could ever go back. Maybe tonight I will disappear off the side.

7:08pm: the rest of my days
no matter how long gone. i still remember. wings carrying me back. it seems no matter how far i feel i can get away. all it takes. just one moment. and the familar sting. did i do all that i should. all that i could have done. and yet here i am. all these days. the weak afternoon light. fading to night once again. the ache remains. echoing the past. washing forward into the present. these knees shaking. the sting fading into cold. i want those days back. i want you not to go. No choice this time or the last.

9:09pm: through half closed eyes
today for some reason i feel like thigns aren't settling right. like trying to place one foot heel to toe and yet not being able to do it. maybe it's this headache. or this sick feeling inside me. i feel like i am being pushed too far. like icarus too close to the sun i feel myself start to burn out. muscles aren't repsonding as readily as they used to. mind isn't processing as quickly as i think it should. in alot of ways i feel bad for the fac that i think i am less tolerant with things than i normally would be. i dont know if this is a bad thing or not. Oh well I am going to lay down and hope to drown in a sea of pillows.

3:38pm: If you read this, even if I don't speak to you often, you must post a memory of me. It can be anything you want, so long as it happened.

Then post this to your journal. See what people remember about you.

8:56pm: i guess i'm really nowhere
the coldness of this storm has numbed away everything. shaking and shivering i can finally walk no more and fall face first to the ground. these woods have never seemed so dark. nor the winds sad song howled so loudly. i slowly roll over onto my back. the tears from my eyes freezing on my cheeks. looking up all i can see is the black of the sky with snow flakes swirling down. in this weakened state they almost look like feathers. drifting down from the sky. closing my eyes i can feel their cold soft touch on my lips and cheeks. how long will i lay here? Are you still watching?

9:37pm: Random Questions
Ask me 4 questions.
Any 4 no matter how personal, private or random.
I have to answer them honestly but can be answered artistically. In turn you post this message in your own journal & you have to answer the questions that are asked to you.